Embracing the Messy Middle
I’m not what I was, but I’m still not what I’m becoming. Ah! I’m in the messy middle.
But there’s something pulling me forward, some force, some being that knows something I don’t know about myself, about where I’m heading.
The image of a bee visited me recently. I laughed as I thought of my busy manic self, floating from one place in my head to another, tending to this or that problem, clinging to the need to find answers and solutions to problems that aren’t necessarily mine. I’m so comfortable in my head, getting lost in the clouds of my curiosity.
But being in my body, my emotions, that terrifies me. I think that’s where my new spiritual ally, the bee as a wise guardian, is playfully guiding me. Some say the bee represents innovation and creativity, community, and love. The bee came to life on my canvas, promising if only I follow her lead, my emotions will become creative expressions.
When Mind Meets Body
And when my mind meets my body, a new community will emerge inside me, the union of my mind, body, and soul, unleashing new expressions of love rooted in my inner world and reflected in my new relationship with the external world.
As I gaze at my painting, I feel more grounded, and I can appreciate the dysfunction I left behind. I’ve moved the goal posts! My recent move from Little Rock, Arkansas to El Paso, Texas brings to life the powerful transition I’ve already made on the road to becoming a new version of me.
Perhaps my bee was guiding me to repurpose my manic energy towards filling the vacuum that was left from shedding dysfunctional patterns. In its place, I became hungry for the pursuit of knowledge and certifications in my quest to become a witness and guide for others. From painting to tarot reading, somatic healing, and specific healing modalities like Human Design and Gene Keys, Enneagram, Neurographica, and art medicine. My busy bee self didn’t stop until just a couple weeks ago.
The soul-making sobbing stopped, and suddenly I had energy I hadn’t had in years. One day, I just felt ready.
As I begin a new life in a new place, I take my lessons with me:
After walking through life surrounded by a protective moat, my healed heart is ready to risk feeling vulnerable. My healed heart seeks deep connection, and there’s no way to get that without embracing a new awkwardness about showing my real self to the world. I’m ready to come out of hibernation to be part of a hive, a community.
I now realize the ease with which I forgave others was just a distraction from the need to forgive myself. Only recently have I become an actual adult, willing to ask my protective mind to take a break so I can have a chat with my inner child, who is so much stronger than I thought. She wants to bring her carefree energy to my current life. She’s got big plans for me.
My inner bee reminds me that I’ve done the work, gained a ton of knowledge, and I’m still synthesizing more insights every day into a cohesive understanding that will contribute to my wisdom.
I’m ready for a new beginning, ready to work hard towards my goal of helping others shine from the inside out. I’m ready to appreciate that I have my own wisdom gained from processing my unique experience as a human being.
My inner whimsical bee carries my seeds of love and creativity to the beautiful community of humans in El Paso.
Try This:
Stop moving for a moment, take a break, put your hand on your heart . . . and notice your emotions. And then notice what you notice about your emotions and where they are in your body. Your first response to a negative emotion will probably be resistance. If it is, just leave your hand on your heart as if it’s the hand of a trusting friend. Stay with the discomfort of the emotion . . . just a little bit.
Want a Partner?
As a connection coach, I help my clients explore themselves more deeply, and as they get to know the origins of why they are the way they are, they grow in compassion for themselves and others. It’s beautiful. If you want to explore whether we’re a match, visit www.lifeshinedesign.com.
